I’m a transracial adoptee and about two months ago. I was rehashing how her first husband molested me and how another guy at our church molested me. Then I finally told her all the racist incidences of bullying from my white Christian school her response was, “You would have been aborted.” So not only did I find out for the first time in 32 years that I was unwanted and I wasn’t even liked enough for someone to want to give birth to me. Now apparently I should be grateful just to exist. As someone who first tried to commit suicide when they were 12 years old this statement was incredibly triggering and hurtful. She raised me I thought she at least saw me as human. I just don’t have anyone in my life who sees me as a human being that understands that my feelings can be hurt by what is said. Except my two male gay best friends. I’m glad I have them because without them I’d probably be dead which apparently that’s all I’m good for. I haven’t seen the show but it really is reality. I have so much anxiety all the time. I feel like people are always staring at me. I have body dysmorphia from being the only black child in an all white private school triggered by the molestation. It’s like I hated my body for so many different reasons. I can’t accurately asses what I look like in a mirror or to other people. I always see a monster. I actually can’t function anymore around other humans without being high. I lived so many years as a conservative Christian. Then finally at 30 I tried weed for the first time. I had always been too terrified to alter my consciousness before that point. Now I can’t function without it. I don’t even remember what my old brain was like. Which is sad because I was really creative. I guess I still am but I’m just behind a glass wall looking at everyone so I don’t have to feel anything. It’s been like this for a year. Did I mention I was adopted by conservative Christians? My grandparents were actually very loving. I just feel like my mom is missing an empathy gene. My grandmother on the other hand probably saved my personality from turning into a sociopath or something which I almost did. She died when I was eleven. So the last person to really see me as a human being that she wanted to talk to and get to know was my grandmother when I was eleven. I do have a memory of someone loving me which keeps me going. She did a great thing. So my two male gay best friends are both white and so was my grandmother so I don’t think this is even a racial thing. This is a societal issue. Most of the time white people who adopt black children have the best of intentions but because they are white they don’t realize how toxic their own society is for black children. Especially since they’ve been socialized too often see racist white people as “good people” that’s what white people call them in the South. The problem is that usually “good people” to them have all these social cues none of which guards against them being a horrible racist. Coming from a good family with a particular kind of accent is usually all they need. So for my mom I think it was that she was shocked to realize how differently we perceived the same “good people” For white people that adopt black children. When the black child rehashes what all those “good people” did to them or how they treated them. It’s just like a huge blow to the white person’s understanding of the world. White people just don’t get it. You guys are nice to each other you’re just not very nice to black people when no one is looking. Not all of you but too many of you for a white family to adopt black children. My white friend from Europe even tried to save me. I didn’t realize it at the time because I was so brainwashed by white supremacy and Christian conservatism that I thought I was thriving and happy. He offered to have me come live with him all expenses paid for a summer in Sweden. Not for any other reason then to just get me away from American thinking. I was too afraid to take him up on it because back then I was afraid of living life or doing anything that would disappoint “Jesus.” He would spend hours talking to me on the phone and white people in Europe just see the whole race issue way more clearly. I think he realized oh my god what have these American whites done to her?!!!! I hated myself back then and I was a white supremacist. Like a real one I didn’t associate with anyone who wasn’t white. I was a very transparent person back then. So anyone who spent more than an hour talking to me would realize how messed up my mind was. I was afraid to break any of God’s commandments but I would also throw in how I was molested at church. I was out of touch with reality. I thought angels and demons were real. I was bat shit crazy and I think white people that are from Europe have met so many non white people and learned to respect them as equals for so long. When they see with their own eyes how transracial adoptees turn out in the states they are just horrified. I’m also biracial so I had to deal with that sociological mess as well